If He Doesn't Meet It, You Didn't Need It

As I am reading the book "A Woman after God's Own Heart" by Elizabeth George, she's talking about the blessings you'll receive once you enriched your prayer life. One of these is the confidence on your decisions. She said "Make no decisions without prayer." You have to consult God first to avoid pleasing people and instead seek for God's approval (Gal 1:10). Also, she mentioned that you will have better relationships with people you are praying for, even your enemies. 

But what called my attention is this blessing. She calls it contentment. She said "If He doesn't meet it, you didn't need it." Until now, I am still into the man who broke my heart. During the time when we were on the rocks, I prayed and prayed. So hard. I prayed that we fix our relationship, find our way back to each other again and start anew. I prayed for him to stay. I told Him that I can't lose him, that I'd do anything to make him stay. But even though I pleaded so hard with full earnestness, we didn't end up being together. We broke up and remained friends. It's hard. Really hard to be friends with someone you really really love. 

But Elizabeth said, "If He doesn't meet it, you didn't need it." Maybe His answer was No or Not yet. Maybe because He has other plans for me. Or maybe, I need to learn something before anything else. Maybe He’s teaching me a lesson. Maybe He wants me to examine my priorities. Maybe, I don't need him. Maybe he's not what I deserve. I know someday I'll find someone who deserves me. Someone who would never hurt me. Someone who is approved by God. It could be a man from somewhere. Or it could still be him. Who knows? He knows.

Psalm 84:11 "No good thing will be withheld from those who walk uprightly." He has better plans for me. Better. Bigger. Bolder.

Please don't walk away :(

It’s been awhile. I’ve been too busy with work. I became fond of being sociable and meeting new people. Then I forgot where I came, the people who I was with, the love that gave me strength and inspiration to conquer everything, the habits I do, the one who I call when everything’s blurry.

I almost forgot that I have a God to be thankful to for blessing me so much and to give him back what he deserves. I became too busy with life and now, I am feeling that He is walking away from me. I know God never turned His back on us but He tries to give us distance for us to realize what we’ve been missing and to realize that we’re forgetting about Him. And that’s what I am feeling right now. I’ve been into worldly things recently. I drink, I hurt people who love me, I say bad words and forgot to share His words like I always used to do. I feel so broken. Lately, I’ve been feeling out of blessings, like I can’t determine anymore whether I am still blessed or not. I acknowledge everything as a return of my hardwork, my talent and the people around me. I forgot to acknowledge Him. L

I am asking for Your forgiveness. Please don’t walk away from me. I can’t. I can’t. I am coming for You. To follow You again, to read Your words and walk with them. I’m so sorry. L

You can't expect me to be fine. I don't expect you to care.

I had a great day today. I just had my next level interview in this company and surprisingly, they called me in the afternoon and said congratulations, I got hired!! Yes! All in just one day! I really love this day. I didn’t expect that it would be this fast.  I just got a text message right after I sent my resume through Jobstreet saying that they are inviting me for an interview. My first interview went well. Initial screening then looooooong exams. After that, they said they will just call me after 2 weeks if ever I passed. Astoundingly again, they called in the afternoon saying that my application was upgraded to another position and that they were inviting me for the next level interview the next day. And there, after the next level interview, it was followed by a job offer! Blessing indeed! I know it’s His plan. I was really depressed lately for some reasons and I know that this was His reward for me for being resilient. I was miserable and all but everything paid off. I’m so grateful!

But then again, when mood swing strikes, it all comes back to where it started. The emotions, the depression, the frustrations and all. I thought I could be blissful. I thought I could disremember EVERYTHING. But guess I was wrong. It all comes back. Everything flashes back again and again like there was a repeat button and I keep on raping it. It sucks! I’m trying so hard. How I wish I could just lose my memory and forget everything. But I can’t. The worst part is, when I’ve found myself on track again, moved on and ready to start from the beginning, he’s always coming back and making me realize how stupid I am for being so fragile and dumb. He’s still sweeping me off my feet. I really want to avoid him, but I can’t. But I know where I stand. Yes, I know where I stand. 

Just One of the Girls

Why is it hard to resist you? Why can’t I hold myself back whenever you’re there, whenever you start talking to me? We both agreed that this is just a game, a no strings attached thingy. But seriously, why am I feeling upset of accepting that silly fact?

I shouldn’t let myself in this kind of situation. I should not let my walls down. I shouldn’t let you enter my life. I shouldn’t have done stupid things just for your sake, well for me actually ‘cause you don’t care. Mindless it is, for just a few weeks of talking to you and seeing you, you became someone to me, someone “special”.

I just want some consistencies. But of course, you can’t give that. Who am I anyway? Who am I for you? I’m just some girl you’re trying to flirt with. I’m just one of the girls. Nothing special. You know that, we both know that. What do I want? I don’t know. But if you’ll ask me, I will answer “You”. Yes, I want you. I want you so bad. But I can’t and I don’t have the right. Why did I let myself become attached to someone who just wants some game? Our everyday conversation, our goodmorning’s and goodnight’s, surely I’ll miss that. I’ll miss you. I can’t say that we need to stop, because we never started. Stupid me. Guess I’ll never learn to play the game better than you can. I thought I could, but I was weak. So I give up.  

I MUST STOP

According to the research, a given love partner will eventually cease to trigger a powerful dopamine release in the other partner's brain. That doesn't mean that sexual interest necessarily vanishes (though it can), but the thrill factor is diminished. If, however, a new partner is introduced, hello dopamine! This is called the "Coolidge Effect", and it's what drives some to perpetually seek new mates. It's this dynamic that makes biologists doubt the biological basis for monogamy. We're fighting the chemical urge to get a new dopamine hit. This can also explain the urge to take up new and risky activities later in married life.

Let’s admit it, when you are in a long-term relationship, there will be times that it becomes boring which is somehow inevitable for some. The love is still there, but the spark is no longer there. There’s a difference, right? Especially when there’s a guy who serves as your inspiration slash distraction to your well-founded concentration. There really are temptations around; it’s just up to you how to handle them.

Recently, we’ve been through ups and downs, arguments here and there, jealousy, overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. I admit that I had been once a nagger and possessive girlfriend. I would always check his phones and facebook account, get mad about girls talking or flirting with him, etc. But if you were able to read my previous post about realizations, I mentioned there that I needed a life. A life that is not dependent with a man, a life that is free but still loving. That is why I tried to lessen that attitude of mine. I want him to breathe some air as much as I want myself also. But it seems like he became used to what I was before that’s why he’s also doing the same thing to me. And I hate it. It’s my fault, I know. So I have to stop.

Another thing is that, there is someone who makes me smile. Someone who is unfortunately the wrong person. Someone whom I know I’ll regret in the end. Silly it is, for just a couple of days of talking to him, I felt very comfortable with him. But I had to stop. Not only because I am in a relationship, but because I know he has someone in his heart. Someone whom he truly loves. We’re even both aware that he’s fond of flirting which really made me think twice if what I am doing is worth it or not. The crazy thing is that I can’t resist. Not that I can’t resist of liking him, but can’t resist of talking to him every single day. Sometimes, I do wish to become that girl he’s dying for, to become the girl he’s willing to give up everything, to become the reason why a player quits his game. But I must stop.

Earlier, I was in a mall alone. I was thinking what to do, what is right and what is wrong, what must be stopped and what must be pursued. I became unfair to him. I was able to neglect for some time our relationship because of one guy. And I became unfair to myself because I let myself become attached to the wrong person. My friends told me “Panandaliang kilig lang yan, mahal mo yung isa”. And I admit that as time goes by, I was able to sense that he’s not that sincere and that he only wanted is to just fool around. Charge to experience!

I am choosing no one for that is the right thing to do. It would be unfair to him if I continue our relationship where I am still in the midst of my distractions. And it would be unfair for me to continue being attached to someone I know will never be mine and continuing this will only be the biggest mistake of my life. And I can’t carry on something I would regret in the end. For the meantime, I must do some soul searching and focus on my career. If we are destined to be together again, it will be. In time.

Just Some Random Realization

“Social inequality refers to a situation in which individual groups in a society do not have equal social status, social class, and social circle. Areas of social inequality include voting rights, freedom of speech and assembly, the extent of property rights and access to education, health, quality housing, traveling, transportation, vacationing and other social goods and services.” – Wikipedia

As I travel back and forth from Cavite to Manila, I came to realize how fortunate I was to have a good living. I can eat 3 times a day, I have a house to live with full of appliances, few more weeks and I’ll be graduating from college, I have clothes to wear, and I have my family to be with.

I am fond of looking outside the window with my ipod on whenever I am riding in a bus. Something caught my attention somewhere around Sucat. There are astonishing vast buildings, erudite villages and warehouses of different manufacturing firms. But what really caught my attention and made me felt the guilt was the fact that beside these fabulous substructures lays the houses of these marginalized people. Unfair, indeed. The poor get poorer and the rich get richer. Rich people have villas, haciendas, condominiums while the poor can’t even have a decent home to live, not even a clean and safe environment for their families. Rich people have their own malls while the poor can’t even enter a mall because they are suspected as robbers. Rich people buy loads of branded and imported clothes while poor people can’t even wear some nice clothes. Worst, some of them don’t have any clothes to wear. Rich people eat in fine restaurants and have money to spend for buffet lunch and dinner while poor people eat left-overs from garbage or nothing at all. Rich people have businesses and investments while poor people work to have something to eat on their table or “isang kahig, isang tuka”. Rich people spend their free time in gyms, spas, and parties while poor people don’t even have a free time in search for food, for money and for work. Rich people are studying in reputable universities and colleges here and abroad, finishing their masters and doctorate degrees while poor people can’t even afford to go to school and finish their studies.

I believe that rich people were made not to be richer but to help unfortunate people. They were blessed with intelligence, power, and money to support the needy ones. We can’t let government alone to do it. We exist because we have works to do, we have tasks to accomplish. And that is to help each other especially those in need, at least help them to have that foundation to start their lives right.

PS: I don't proofread.

Full Time Drama Queen

I really don’t know why almost all my friends make me feel that I am a ‘Love Guru’ or some kind of an expert when it comes to relationships. Or is it just me who loves giving unsolicited advice?

I’ve gone through 3 relationships. It’s actually 4 but screw the first one, it was like so whatever. The first one (which was actually the 2^nd one) happened during my high school days. I was then a junior and my ex was a senior. He just happened to be the SCO President and the captain ball of the basketball team and I happened to be the captain ball of the volleyball team. Then, I broke up with him when I turned college. Ganda ko eh! Okay, nuff said.

Second, was someone I met during my PE class. He’s a UST Civil Engineering student. He was my karma. Need I to say more?

Third and my current boyfriend is someone from our village. He’s a family friend and schoolmate way back high school and elementary. We’ve been together for more than a year.

I thought and I guess, others thought also that these relationships made me more mature. I guess not. I thought I know everything, how to handle things, emotions. I realize I am nowhere near maturity. Yes, I still act like a child dependent to his dad and I tend to be a hopeless romantic at times. I don’t know how I will learn these things; to be emotionally-independent, maturity, and no dramas.

You could tell that I’m really good in making small issues into big things that will cause a fight that will last for days or almost a week. I admit that. I tried to avoid doing it but there’s something in me I didn’t know what it is. Expectations, maybe. But seriously, I am a drama-queen-wannabe. Well, unintentionally. I really don’t know what I want. I really don’t know what I am looking for. But one thing’s for sure, I REALLY SHOULD GET A LIFE.