Je suis perdu

why is it so hard to be in a confusion state? it's like everything's in contrast. your heart is contrast to what your mind is thinking, your past is like contradicting your future and same as your present. you want to be happy but you're afraid that it might turn out the other way around. you are thinking that you might be ready to face things but quite not sure if you could handle heartbreaks and failures. you think you can take all your chances but you're not yet even sure if it is worth sacrificing for.

i am talking about confusion here. apparently, about relationships. you were so broken because of your past relationships and you think that it was all because of 'karma' and you have nothing to do but accept the fact that it is really happening to you. you have no choice but to follow your heart and expect the worst things to happen because they are the consequences of what you did before. and they are just on their way to get back to you. you'll just accept all the heartbreaks and do stupid things just because you love the person and you never care if he/she will just dump you in the end. obviously, you're not yet entering the confusion state.

but what will happen, if you're now entering this state? you're so over with all the heartbreaks and failures and all you wanna do is to relax and have a happy life being single. with no commitments, and no heartbreaks in the future. all you wanna do is to focus on your studies or career, bond with your family and friends, flirt a little and do stuffs that single people usually do. but what if, this person just came and change all those plans and usual habits? what if he just appear from nowhere and he's doing nothing but to change everything in you? not really changing exactly the way you are but those things that you had changed because of your sick past and it just turned you to be a new person, in a mature way.. and now you're there again. almost experiencing the same feelings you felt before, doin' the things you've been doing before.. as if you haven't learn anything from your mistakes in the past. you're thinking again, "what if i am ready again to take my chances with that person?", "what if i am ready to be in love again?".. but still, you haven't got the answer to these questions.. "does he like me?", "is he really into me?", "do we have the same feelings for each other?", "what am i to him?".. those questions linger on your mind yet, you don't take a look at them seriously because you are beginning to be blinded by what you are feeling.

you don't seem to be so sure of what that person feels towards you, you're not yet sure if that person just flirting with you or what, you don't know if he is just your another karma, you're not even sure if you're the only one he treated that way or he's doing exactly the same things to other people and you just misunderstood it, you don't know if he likes you or just sees you as a friend, you don't know if he is honest with you all the time or just playin' around.. and there you are.. beginning to be stupid again, thinking that everything's gonna be alright in the end yet you're never sure if it will really happen.

in the end, you'll never be sure if what's the right thing to use. your mind that says, "haven't you learned anything from your past? boys will just hurt you in the end and you can't trust anyone of them! they will just use you and dumped you in the end!".. or your heart that says, "i am happy whenever i'm with him and i have to take all my chances with him just to be happy. i'm not sure if he feels exactly the same way, but how would i know if i don't give it a try?". both choices will just give you either frustration or happiness in the end. most likely, you will end up following your heart though you're not rest assured of what will happen. that's what we called stupidity.