DANGER: EXPECTATIONS

Wala talaga ako sa mood ngayon. But since I wanna let my feelings out, please let me blog ng Tag-lish. Malabas ko lang to.

April 10, 2011, Sunday. Nagpunta ako ng Alabang, sa Festival Mall to buy a gift for my boyfriend's graduation. Actually, I already bought one during school days pa sa Manila. I just have to buy something like a wrapper and some stuffs I need to create this first-time-to-make letter as a gift for our monthsary. Yes, April 11 was his graduation day and our 9th monthsary. I was planning to do this cute and witty but so-common letter wherein you'll put it in a bottle. So common, right? :| Haha. But I'm proud of myself because it's my first time to do it and exert some effort. Since it's our 9th month, I bought 8 bottles with same sizes. The ninth bottle is bigger 'cause I will put it inside the box of my grad gift (para special yung 9th month). Inside each bottles, there's a letter corresponding to everything we had per month and yung 9th month yung special. I made them until 4AM! Yes, hindi ako natulog agad kasi kailangan kong mabigay yung gift ko on that special day. Tinatawanan na nga ako ng kapatid ko kasi that was his first time to see me na super busy and super nagtyatyaga para lang dun sa gift na yun. I was excited and nervous at the same time if magugustuhan niya yung gift ko. All in all, There were 2 boxes inside which gave me a difficulty in wrapping. Actually, I bought an already made wrapper, kaso it's quite big kaya I have to adjust it but it's not like just an ordinary wrapper. It's like a cloth or something, so I can't mend it using a stapler or a tape. NAGTAHI AKO! Yes, madaling araw nagtatahi ako. :| Effort diba? Finally, around 4am natapos ko din siya. I kept it inside the cabinet, marami kasing tao sa bahay, baka may makakita :P

April 11, 2011, Monday. His graduation day and OUR day! He greeted me. :) He said he's on his way to SMX which was the venue of their graduation. Me, on the other hand, spent the whole afternoon playing my newly installed Sims 3. He barely text me and it's because he's busy during the celebration. I understand that. Almost 5pm, my hommies and I went outside to discuss our planned reunion. Ang alam ko mga 5pm tapos na yung grad nila. Or if ever mag-extend, mga 7pm siguro. He texted me I think mga 5:30pm na they will take dinner muna. He's with his dad. So I said, okay eatwell etc. Inside, I'm kinda excited 'cause I was expecting na dadaan siya sa bahay after to spend time with me, kahit 10mins lang. (okay na yun. Atleast, I can say na we're together during our monthsary.) It was already 8pm, kakauwi ko lang ng bahay. He texted me that he's on his way home. Feeling excited and nervous. I didn't took dinner kasi medyo busog pa ako and parang wala akong gana. Maybe because it's kinda late na and I have this feeling na hindi magiging maganda yung gabi ko. Mom asked me kung ano daw kinain ko. I just said, "Kumain po kami ng balot kina Jev. Nabusog na po ako." Yuh, a piece of balot made me full. Liar. To kill some time and to avoid too much thinking of what might happen, I turned on my laptop and start making myself busy on facebook and twitter.

It was already 9pm when my phone got a message. It was him. He's home. I was feeling astonished in a way. Mixed emotions. I asked him if nandun yung ate niya, he said yes. (Just blah-ing). Then another blah-ing, I told him na "Okay pahinga ka". But I was expecting him to ask me if he could come here. He asked me what am I doing. I said, "nag-nnet lang. Kaw?" He said, "Eto, nag-aayos na." Me was like :( Meaning, he's getting ready to bed. Meaning, hindi na siya pupunta. 9pm pa lang nun. Kung dati nga pumupunta siya ng 12midnight. Ano ba yung 9pm sa kaniya, especially on that very special day? So ako, medyo disappointed, I answer his text messages in a cold way. And alam niya na may problema kasi he asked me bat ang tamlay ko. And because it is me, I always say, walang problema. OKAY LANG AKO. So me. Pero alam niyang meron kaya he keeps on asking me and telling me na magsabi ako. Dapat alam na niya yun. Diba?

It's time for us to sleep. Sabi ko mauna na siya. Ayoko pang matulog. Still hoping na pupunta siya kahit ganun time kasi tulog na mga tao sa kanila. Ganun naman kasi siya kahit dati pa. He's asking me na what time ba ako matutulog, etc. Siguro pagod siya, he finally said sige matutulog na siya. So goodnight na. So ako, nag-expect na naman sa wala. Before I went to sleep, I texted him. And I quote, "Akala ko magiging masaya tong araw na to kahit pano. Congrats. Goodnight." No I love you, no monthsary greetings. Pinipigilan kong umiyak. Kasi ayaw niya akong umiiyak.

I texted one of my friends, Faydee. I asked her, "Peng, hindi kami nagkita ngayon. 9pm na siya nakauwi. Nagtatampo ako. Haha. Dapat ba? :(" I was quite confused if tama bang magalit or magtampo ako. I know he has reasons. Ayoko rin sanang magalit sa kaniya kasi pre-board niya at ayaw kong ma-distract siya. Pero pano naman ako? :| My friend replied. She said, "Oo naman no. Monthsary niyo eh. Hindi man lang ba siya nagsabi na pupunta siya sa inyo? Kung ako yun, gegerahin ko yun." And there, I cried. I cried alot. I dunno, pero biglang bumigat ng sobra yung dibdib ko. I can't help it. I replied, "Hindi nga rin siya nagsabi na di siya makakapunta eh. So tama lang na magtampo ako?" Honestly, I am kinda expecting na rin na hindi siya makakapunta kasi late na. But what I am waiting for him to say is yung reason bat hindi siya makakapunta. Kaso wala eh. I was left hanging. Crying. My friend replied again, "Of course my friend". Since wala na akong masabi dahil parang ang gusto ko na lang gawin ay umiyak ng umiyak, I just told her na itutulog ko na lang yun and bid goodnight. I cried silently. Masakit. Sobra. Yung feeling na again, nabalewala ka na naman. Lahat ng effort na ginawa mo, yung pagpupuyat mo until 4am dahil gusto mong mabigay yung gift mo sa special day na yun, yung pagod mo para maghanap ng kung ano-anong pwedeng isama sa gift mo, yung time pressure sayo kasi bukas na yung day na yun, yung effort ng pagpunta mo ng Alabang from Cavite para lang dun sa bibilhin mo, lahat yon napunta lang sa wala. Hindi niya naman gustong gawin yun, I know. Ako ang may gustong mag-effort. Pero dahil yun sa ineexpect ko na sa mismong araw na yun, kahit 5mins lang, maaabot ko sa kaniya yung pinaghirapan ko. Alam kong hindi ko siya makakasama ng matagal sa mismong araw na yun, pero kahit 5-10mins, okay na sakin. Mabigay ko lang sa kaniya yun. Kaso wala eh. Then my friend replied again. She said, "Naks, ang bait mo talaga. Pero seryoso, kahit kanino gawin yun sasama talaga ang loob. Lalaki man o babae. Sige, tulog ka na. Text moko bukas." And there, I cried harder. Parang ang sakit tanggapin yung katotohanan na talagang nabalewala ako. Hindi man siguro intentionally, pero nabalewala pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman. Baka kasi ang babaw ko or napakasensitive ko lang na tao. This past few days, busy siya kasi nga nagrereview siya, and I understand that. Pero yung kahit 10mins lang na magkita kami on OUR day, hindi naman siguro malaking kawalan sa oras niya yun diba? Masakit kasi kung kelan ako nag-effort na gumawa ng isang bagay just for a guy, yun pa yung napunta sa wala.

Thursday pa ang balik niya. He went back to Mandaluyong kasi pre-board niya. Kaya yung gift niya, ayun, naka-stock sa cabinet ko. Ngayon, I'm trying myself to communicate well with him. Para di siya ma-distract sa pagrereview. Sometimes, I'm putting some smiley's whenever I text him. Pero he knows, I'm not fine. We're not fine.