Friday, April 27, 2012

You can't expect me to be fine. I don't expect you to care.

I had a great day today. I just had my next level interview in this company and surprisingly, they called me in the afternoon and said congratulations, I got hired!! Yes! All in just one day! I really love this day. I didn’t expect that it would be this fast.  I just got a text message right after I sent my resume through Jobstreet saying that they are inviting me for an interview. My first interview went well. Initial screening then looooooong exams. After that, they said they will just call me after 2 weeks if ever I passed. Astoundingly again, they called in the afternoon saying that my application was upgraded to another position and that they were inviting me for the next level interview the next day. And there, after the next level interview, it was followed by a job offer! Blessing indeed! I know it’s His plan. I was really depressed lately for some reasons and I know that this was His reward for me for being resilient. I was miserable and all but everything paid off. I’m so grateful!

But then again, when mood swing strikes, it all comes back to where it started. The emotions, the depression, the frustrations and all. I thought I could be blissful. I thought I could disremember EVERYTHING. But guess I was wrong. It all comes back. Everything flashes back again and again like there was a repeat button and I keep on raping it. It sucks! I’m trying so hard. How I wish I could just lose my memory and forget everything. But I can’t. The worst part is, when I’ve found myself on track again, moved on and ready to start from the beginning, he’s always coming back and making me realize how stupid I am for being so fragile and dumb. He’s still sweeping me off my feet. I really want to avoid him, but I can’t. But I know where I stand. Yes, I know where I stand. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Just One of the Girls

Why is it hard to resist you? Why can’t I hold myself back whenever you’re there, whenever you start talking to me? We both agreed that this is just a game, a no strings attached thingy. But seriously, why am I feeling upset of accepting that silly fact?

I shouldn’t let myself in this kind of situation. I should not let my walls down. I shouldn’t let you enter my life. I shouldn’t have done stupid things just for your sake, well for me actually ‘cause you don’t care. Mindless it is, for just a few weeks of talking to you and seeing you, you became someone to me, someone “special”.

I just want some consistencies. But of course, you can’t give that. Who am I anyway? Who am I for you? I’m just some girl you’re trying to flirt with. I’m just one of the girls. Nothing special. You know that, we both know that. What do I want? I don’t know. But if you’ll ask me, I will answer “You”. Yes, I want you. I want you so bad. But I can’t and I don’t have the right. Why did I let myself become attached to someone who just wants some game? Our everyday conversation, our goodmorning’s and goodnight’s, surely I’ll miss that. I’ll miss you. I can’t say that we need to stop, because we never started. Stupid me. Guess I’ll never learn to play the game better than you can. I thought I could, but I was weak. So I give up.  

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


According to the research, a given love partner will eventually cease to trigger a powerful dopamine release in the other partner's brain. That doesn't mean that sexual interest necessarily vanishes (though it can), but the thrill factor is diminished. If, however, a new partner is introduced, hello dopamine! This is called the "Coolidge Effect", and it's what drives some to perpetually seek new mates. It's this dynamic that makes biologists doubt the biological basis for monogamy. We're fighting the chemical urge to get a new dopamine hit. This can also explain the urge to take up new and risky activities later in married life.

Let’s admit it, when you are in a long-term relationship, there will be times that it becomes boring which is somehow inevitable for some. The love is still there, but the spark is no longer there. There’s a difference, right? Especially when there’s a guy who serves as your inspiration slash distraction to your well-founded concentration. There really are temptations around; it’s just up to you how to handle them.

Recently, we’ve been through ups and downs, arguments here and there, jealousy, overprotectiveness, and possessiveness. I admit that I had been once a nagger and possessive girlfriend. I would always check his phones and facebook account, get mad about girls talking or flirting with him, etc. But if you were able to read my previous post about realizations, I mentioned there that I needed a life. A life that is not dependent with a man, a life that is free but still loving. That is why I tried to lessen that attitude of mine. I want him to breathe some air as much as I want myself also. But it seems like he became used to what I was before that’s why he’s also doing the same thing to me. And I hate it. It’s my fault, I know. So I have to stop.

Another thing is that, there is someone who makes me smile. Someone who is unfortunately the wrong person. Someone whom I know I’ll regret in the end. Silly it is, for just a couple of days of talking to him, I felt very comfortable with him. But I had to stop. Not only because I am in a relationship, but because I know he has someone in his heart. Someone whom he truly loves. We’re even both aware that he’s fond of flirting which really made me think twice if what I am doing is worth it or not. The crazy thing is that I can’t resist. Not that I can’t resist of liking him, but can’t resist of talking to him every single day. Sometimes, I do wish to become that girl he’s dying for, to become the girl he’s willing to give up everything, to become the reason why a player quits his game. But I must stop.

Earlier, I was in a mall alone. I was thinking what to do, what is right and what is wrong, what must be stopped and what must be pursued. I became unfair to him. I was able to neglect for some time our relationship because of one guy. And I became unfair to myself because I let myself become attached to the wrong person. My friends told me “Panandaliang kilig lang yan, mahal mo yung isa”. And I admit that as time goes by, I was able to sense that he’s not that sincere and that he only wanted is to just fool around. Charge to experience!

I am choosing no one for that is the right thing to do. It would be unfair to him if I continue our relationship where I am still in the midst of my distractions. And it would be unfair for me to continue being attached to someone I know will never be mine and continuing this will only be the biggest mistake of my life. And I can’t carry on something I would regret in the end. For the meantime, I must do some soul searching and focus on my career. If we are destined to be together again, it will be. In time.