this morning, i received an email from my dad. just some random conversation then he asked me if my scholarship gives me a lot of burden. he said that he feels great because i have a free tuition fee but he doesn't want me to be tortured nor feel so pressured about it. he also said that he knows that i could do well in school and that he always believes in me since i was nursery.
honestly, i am being pressured because of my scholarship and the expectations of people around me. i can't say that i could really maintain it until the end. but i am doing my best to maintain it. thank god i was able to maintain it within two semesters. and i am praying to maintain it until i graduated. hopefully :] cross your fingers.. about the expectation thing... well, i'm kinda used to it. but sometimes i can't stand it. i'm used with my parents' expectations. high grades, good career path, being a responsible and a good daughter. sometimes, i made mistakes towards my parents. but hey, i'm only 17. don't expect me to do great things in a very young age. make sense? :] about the expectations of people around me, sometimes i can't stand it. why? put it this way... since i was elementary, i am very close to my guy friends. when i turned highschool, i became closer to them and gain more guy friends because i was once a member of a dance troupe. i wear shorts because i used to play volleyball and wearing those "short" shorts makes me feel more comfortable. i wear makeups because i am a typical teenager. i hang out with my friends, again, because i'm just a typical teenager and guess what?PEOPLE MISINTERPRET THAT. they are expecting to much from me because they knew me as a good girl, as a consistent honor-student. sometimes i wanna yell at them and tell them to shut their mouth because they don't know me and they're not helping me. wish i could do. why not? because they expect me to behave what girls should behave.
then i just wondered... what if i'm not a consistent honor-student? what if i didn't show politeness and good-girl appearance from the start? what if i don't have a scholarship to maintain? what if i'm so lazy that i don't even bother to open one book? what if i spend my money to satisfy my pleasures? what if i'm like those other students who don't go to school instead, go to malls, bar hoppings, drink with their friends and other stuffs teenagers usually do? what if i don't care if i fail many subjects? what if i date numbers of different boys, play around them and cheat them? what if i do vices? what if i don't have goals in life and all i wanna do is to lay in bed and have some fun?
what if that's me? will people stop expecting too much from me? will people shut their mouth and don't care of what the hell i am doing? will they stop judging me because THAT'S ME from the start? will they stop because they knew all along that i will end up being a failure because i am a failure from the start?