Trust is the Issue Here.

is there a requirement for you to have REAL best friend?for you to give your 100% trust to a person? does being a reserved person is some kinda a bad thing to others? i woke up this morning with those thoughts in my mind. i woke up around 10am. well, that's because i stayed up late last night. i think i slept around 3am because i was watching an anime i just downloaded in my laptop. it's called Skip Beat and i totally love it. well, yeah. i think it's a good excuse though.

anyway, those things just popped inside my head earlier this morning. i just felt a bit of sadness and i don't know why. honestly, when i saw people who are real best friends, i envy them. i envy them because they have someone who could tell their whole secrets, someone who could call and sleep over in their house whenever they are bored or have problems, someone who could go shopping with them. i HAVE best friends but just for the sake of having a best friend. not that i am just using them and not really care for them, i consider them as my best friends because they are the closest persons to me aside from my family. but even though i treat them as my best friends, why can't i put my 100% or at least 90% of my trust to them. i share some secrets with them but not as the same as others who really trust their best friends and tell the whole story. i am not tryin' to be reserved but i really don't know how to trust people. maybe i was just taught while growing up to be more critical to people and not to trust easily. but i think i have gone so far that i can't even trust a person wholeheartedly even though i know deep down myself that they are trustworthy. i don't know, maybe i am just scared of depending so much to that person and hurt myself in the end. even in relationship, i don't fully trust my partner. there are still doubts inside of me and i just hide it. that's why i really don't believe that if you really love a person, you will trust him. or maybe, i am not just really in love. maybe that's not a real love.

maybe i am just a reserved person. and just because it's me who only knows the truth, sometimes i end up lying. but sometimes, it's like an advantage for me. i can solve the problem easily and i can lie because i'm the only one who knows the truth. i could easily make up excuses. but that's really frustrating because i am hindered to tell the truth because of my very self. i am more encouraged to lie because i knowthat everyone will believe me.

but then, when i have problems and i need someone to talk to, i can't seem to find someone to fit with my "standards". i ended up hiding it with myself because i can't find someone whom i could trust fully and tell what i am feeling inside. many times when i am down, i just save it for myself and think about how to solve it, without any help or advice from others. and when i am ready to spill it out, i look like there's no problem within me when i face people. i'm like the strong one. even though i already encountered this problem, people seem to find me courageous because it doesn't look like i am affected at all. and that's easy for me to show something differs from what is real because i am the only one who knows my true feelings. no one knows, even my closest friends.